Introducing BROTOX™™™
Masculinity, Now in a Syringe
This satirical piece was written and illustrated by Scott Thigpen, edited by Heather Herrington
Are you tired of looking in the mirror and seeing a man whose chest whispers “emotional availability”?
Do you wake up wondering, Did my nipples droop lower… or did my self-esteem?
Have you recently said the phrase “alpha grindset” and meant it?
You don’t need therapy.
You don’t need accountability.
You need BROTOX™™™ — the revolutionary injection that lifts your moobs, tightens your insecurities, and freezes your face into the expression of a man who once read The Game and never emotionally recovered.
YOU NEED BROTOX™™™
Our patented hormone-obliterating serum is formulated to:
Erase your fine lines and your capacity for compassion
Elevate your jawline to “LinkedIn thirst trap” status
Fortify your fragile masculinity with just enough chemical arrogance to start a podcast
It’s not FDA-approved.
It’s FDA-ISH.
BROTOX™™™ is what happens when late-stage capitalism bleeds into your endocrine system.
And it’s legal in every state where empathy isn’t.
BUT CALL WITHIN THE NEXT 5 MINUTES…
…and we’ll throw in a free trial of BRONORMOUS™, the first ego serum developed by guys who think The Matrix was a documentary.
BRONORMOUS™ replaces key nutrients in your bloodstream with:
Unregulated elk antler extract
Audio clips of Alex Jones yelling
A 60/40 split of creatine and unprocessed childhood trauma
Side effects include:
Screaming “LET’S FUCKING GOOOOOOO” into a mirror
Sudden need to defend billionaires online
Posting shirtless thirst traps captioned “entrepreneurship is war”
BUT WAIT — CALL WITHIN THE NEXT 45 SECONDS OF THE 5 MINUTES YOU JUST STARTED CALLING…
…and we’ll include our newest miracle supplement:
BROVARIES™
Because why confront gender or biology when you can just chemically suppress every emotion you don’t understand?
BROVARIES™ is for the man who mocks hormone therapy —
but microdoses gas station testosterone from a guy named Blæde in the back of a vape shop.
Formulated with:
Distilled Instagram comments
Three crushed GNC tablets
A single frozen tear from your inner child
BROVARIES™: Because it’s not denial if you monetize it.
REAL CLIENT TESTIMONIAL: ELON M.
Before BROTOX™™™, Elon Musk was just a balding PayPal fuckboi with daddy issues and a God complex.
Then came:
Hair transplant? Check.
Cheek fillers? Affirmative.
Chin augmentation and Brotox™™™ ? Absolutely.
Jawline so sharp it can cut through SEC regulations? You bet. Kind of. Still pretty weak.
“Before I bought a social media platform and torched it like a flaming Porta-Potty, I was a soft-chinned tech fuckboi desperate for my parents’ approval.
But thanks to BROTOX™™™, I now look like a man who thinks lawsuits are an aphrodisiac.”
— Elon M., X-treme Edgelord in his own mind
THE COST OF VANITY (AND WHAT IT COULD’VE SAVED)
Estimated cost of Elon’s facial transformation?
$200,000.
What that could’ve funded instead:
200,000 meals for hungry children
20 emergency shelters
2 rural clean water systems
But that’s just one syringe-sized sliver of billionaire behavior.
MUSK’S DAILY INCOME: ~$27.4 MILLION
With that much every single day, Elon could:
Build 27 clean water systems
Fund 27 million school meals
Provide basic income to entire small nations before brunch
MONTHLY INCOME: ~$833 MILLION
In a single month, he could:
Give 833,000 people $1,000
Fully rebuild Flint, Michigan’s water infrastructure — with funds left over to give every resident a therapist, a lawyer, and a sandwich
ANNUAL INCOME: ~$10 BILLION
That’s enough to:
Feed the world 10 billion meals
Build 10,000 clean water systems
Fund 1 million emergency shelters
Or just maybe… go to therapy to gain some insight and develop a little empathy to finally stop being the final boss of sociopathic capitalism
AND YET…
Instead of solving actual problems, he bought Twitter.
Rebranded it to “X.”
Ran it into the dirt.
And now? The U.S. government is floating millions in ad buys to keep the platform alive —
yep, with your tax dollars.
Washington Post, Dec 2023:
“Government advertising has helped prop up X’s revenues during a time of private sector retreat.”
IMAGINE THIS:
The 26 richest people on Earth control roughly $2.5 trillion.
If each of them gave just 10% — not of their total wealth, just their yearly growth —
that’s $250 billion.
With that:
You could end world hunger for six years
Provide universal clean water access for two years
Or give every American citizen $757 in cash, just because
But instead, that money funds:
Chin implants
Algorithmic ego boosts
Cosmetic delusion masquerading as power
…
You know what? Let’s keep throwing gasoline on this flaming Port-a-Potty of hypocrisy.
Because apparently, facts are the real threat now. So let’s break it down… with analogies for the fuckboi bros in the back listening to Creed on their Android phone instead of me.
ONE MORE INJECTION OF TRUTH
In 2019:
80% of all adult breast reductions were performed on cisgender men
Among minors? 97%
Meanwhile, gender-affirming top surgery for trans youth?
Less than 0.005% of all U.S. minors even receive it.
(And almost all of them do so with full medical, parental, and psychological support.)
So let’s make this simple:
I have compiled a number of analogies on straight bros getting moob jobs vs the trans kid who feels like they are wearing a costume.
For every 100 chest surgeries performed in the U.S.:
80 go to cis men with moobs
Less than 1 goes to a trans teen
But guess who’s called a threat to society?
Hint: not Chad.
That’s where we are.
That’s the conversation.
That’s the hypocrisy.
But for those who still need a little help understanding the hypocrisy I’ve devised a list:
For those who like the sports ball
Imagine 100 players in a locker room, naked slapping each other on the ass.
80 of them just got breast reductions.
All cis men (that are slapping each other’s bare ass because they won the big game)
One trans teen did too — with a doctor’s approval and their family’s support.
Guess who gets booed by the coach, the crowd, and Congress?
Spoiler: it’s not the linebackers with lipo.
For those who believe in the American Pie
Picture a pie chart of chest surgeries in the U.S.
80% are for cis men thirsty for MILFs
19.9% are for literally everyone else.
Less than 1% is a trans teen seeking gender-affirming care.
And suddenly, that one slice is “too political” to exist.
For the Air Raged
TSA line.
100 people walk through.
80 had moob reductions and 15 cocktails at the overpriced airport bar then get drunkenly entitled, cause a scene, get drug to jail and pardoned by the Orange id because, freedumb.
One is a trans kid who got top surgery after years of therapy and medical review.
Guess who gets the “random” pat-down?
(America: protecting freedom from the people trying to live it…also all those straight dudes in the locker room patting each other down.. but like #no-homo.)
And for the fast foodies
100 orders come through.
80 are cis dudes screaming “No more McMan-titties!” while ordering a McSlurpie Xtreme (remember when McDonalds’ entire menu was Xtreme Burgers and such?)
One is a trans teen quietly asking for the same exact surgery.
And the fry cook calls Fox News. Itsa crazy! 🤌
BROTOX™™™ may be satire.
But the hypocrisy?
That’s painfully, surgically, injection-by-injection undeniably true.
CITATIONS
💉 Medical & Surgical Statistics
Context from article:
“In 2019: 80% of all adult breast reductions were performed on cisgender men. Among minors? 97%.”
Explanation:
A 2023 study published in JAMA Network Open found that in 2019, 80% of adult breast reductions were performed on cisgender males, and among minors, 97% were performed on cisgender male teens.
Link:
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2820437
Context from article:
“Meanwhile, gender-affirming top surgery for trans youth? Less than 0.005% of all U.S. minors even receive it.”
Explanation:
The same study reported that the rate of gender-affirming surgeries among minors aged 13 to 17 was 2.1 per 100,000, equating to approximately 0.0021% of U.S. minors.
Link:
https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamanetworkopen/fullarticle/2820437
💸 Elon Musk’s Income & Spending
Context from article:
“Musk’s daily income: ~$27.4 million”
Explanation:
Estimates suggest Elon Musk's daily earnings average approximately $96.1 million, based on his wealth growth over the past decade.
Link:
https://coincodex.com/article/27129/how-much-does-elon-musk-make-a-day-week-month-year/
Context from article:
“Monthly income: ~$833 million”
Explanation:
Based on the same estimates, Musk's monthly earnings are approximately $2.93 billion.
Link:
https://coincodex.com/article/27129/how-much-does-elon-musk-make-a-day-week-month-year/
Context from article:
“Annual income: ~$10 billion”
Explanation:
Musk's annual earnings have been estimated at $35.1 billion, reflecting the substantial growth in his net worth.
Link:
https://coincodex.com/article/27129/how-much-does-elon-musk-make-a-day-week-month-year/
Context from article:
“Estimated cost of Elon’s facial transformation? $200,000.”
Explanation:
While exact figures are unavailable, estimates for hair transplant procedures range from $20,000 to $50,000. Additional cosmetic surgeries could cumulatively cost upwards of $100,000 to $200,000.
Link:
https://kopelmanhair.com/blog/elon-musk-hair-transplant/
🏛️ Government Spending on X (formerly Twitter)
Context from article:
“The U.S. government is spending taxpayer dollars on ad campaigns on the platform—to the tune of millions.”
Explanation:
In 2023, political campaigns and related groups spent over $4.5 million on advertising on X, contributing to over 1.2 billion impressions.
Link:
https://www.businessinsider.com/campaigns-spent-millions-on-x-ads-as-advertisers-leave-site-2023-11
🌍 Global Wealth & Philanthropy
Context from article:
“The 26 richest people on Earth control roughly $2.5 trillion.”
Explanation:
As of April 2025, the combined net worth of the top 26 billionaires is approximately $2.5 trillion, according to the Bloomberg Billionaires Index.
Link:
https://www.bloomberg.com/billionaires/
Context from article:
“If each of them gave just 10%—not of their total wealth, just their yearly growth—that’s $250 billion.”
Explanation:
Assuming a 10% contribution from their annual wealth growth, the collective donation would amount to $250 billion.
Link:
https://www.bloomberg.com/billionaires/
Context from article:
“You could end world hunger for six years.”
Explanation:
The UN World Food Programme estimates that ending world hunger would require approximately $40 billion annually, totaling $240 billion over six years.
Link:
https://www.wfpusa.org/articles/how-much-would-it-cost-to-end-world-hunger/
Context from article:
“Provide universal clean water access for two years.”
Explanation:
Achieving universal access to safe drinking water and sanitation in 140 low- and middle-income countries would cost about $114 billion per year, totaling $228 billion over two years.
Link:
https://www.unesco.org/reports/wwdr/2021/en/valuing-water-supply-sanitation-services
Yeah! I love the word "moobs".
Abs-olutely Brilliant!