Heated Hauntings: The Wraith of Summer

Boo-tiful Xenomorphs, Coneheads, and a Haunting Cancellation!

Recently, Heather and I went to the Big Box Pet Store to get our dog, Tess her weight management pup food. She’s been getting snacks from an unknown source and she’s starting to get a muffin lid when she puts on her harness to go for a walk and get some exercise…

…who am I kidding, she hates exercise.

Anyhoo, While shopping at Big Box Pets, I noticed that Halloween stuff was already out on display…miles of it.

There were pumpkin shaped dog bones, zombie cat toys, haunted house beds, bat winged shaped pig ears, oh and candy corn (the worst offense ever). Got a dog? Well now you can dress’em up like a hot dog (haha, omg classic humor because…it’s a dog in a bun). Wait - you have a cat, well they have a bunny costume that “Mr. Mittens” will absolutely love and if that’s not enough, here’s a little Broke Back Mountain Cowboy outfit for your pet bearded dragon, Leopold.

I've never found an animal yet that likes wearing a costume, and won’t try to kill you in the process of dressing them up.

Darlene is currently in intensive care with critical wounds.

I don’t hate Halloween and honestly, I wish it was several months long, but Texas heat and haunts don’t go together. However, here we are and if you can’t beat’em, scare’em…

Welcome to scary ghost stories in August.

From the Ministry of Dickens

Our house was built in the 50s. We love it—tiny, cozy, and perfect for us. The original owner, Winifred👻, passed away here years before we bought it. Old houses make odd sounds, doors creak, and animals stare (and sometimes scream) into the void as if seeing an apparition which is obviously…Winifred👻.

Winifred👻 isn’t scary; she just does things like open the door while you’re showering, with soap in your eyes and then there you are, blind, naked and judged by Winifred. Also now you have to step out of the shower with soapy eyes and all to close the door and hope you don’t slip and fall only to join Winifred👻 in the afterlife.

She also is responsible for sliding our pets some tasty treats, she leaves dishes out everywhere and never turns off the tv. Which is always mysteriously playing reruns of Designing Women. This always in turn pisses Heather off because she knows I think Dixie Carter had shapely thighs.

Basically, Winifred’s👻 soul purpose in her (after)life is to make my life a living Hell.

Actual footage of Winifred in our house.

To try to find a happy medium with Winifred👻 cohabitating with us, I discovered that Austin has a paranormal investigations unit (PIU) hotline, and so I inquired about their services hoping to get to speak to an apparition expert much like Dan Aykroyd, Bill Murray, or Annie Potts (Some of the OG Ghostbusters). Sadly PIU was of zero help and what’s worse, Dan Aykroyd did not work there. Sigh, who you gonna call these days?

I fear no one will get the Conehead/Ghostbuster humor here…but I lol’d, and that’s what is important. #selfLuv

Because of Winifred👻, everything in this house is always my fault and I’m constantly framed for our pets' pudgy little stomachs full of treats, mysterious purchases of Star Wars collectables from the comic book store, undies on the floor, taxes not being done, Amazon purchases of Star Wars collectables, the grass not mowed, Ebay purchases of Star Wars collectables, and the missing pastry with a warning label that says “FOR HEATHER ONLY , DO NOT EAT.” (Which, obviously Winifred👻 can’t read or she wouldn’t have eaten that delicious Pain au Chocolat that was just sitting there unattended, begging to be eaten).

The Ghost of Imposter Syndrome:

I have a scary tale about my art that actually does not involve Winifred👻 and that’s the Ghost of Imposter Syndrome. Every day when I sit down to draw, this nasty ghost pops up behind me and tries to scare me into thinking I’m a terrible artist, that I can’t draw worth a damn and I’m too old and washed up.

Here is how I view my imposter syndrome (and social media as an entity).

My narrative is that every time I post something on the internet, this is what people are saying about it, because Imposter Syndrome is a major pain in my ass.

• Also here’s a piece of art I drew from yesteryear that I’m particularly happy with. Take THAT, Ghost of Imposter Syndrome!

While melting in Austin, I can at least look at this picture and pretend I’m cold.

• Here’s a speed video of me drawing on my tablet of a Texas Vampire.

From the Ministry of Ghastly Cinema:

• There’s an uptick in horror movies, scary shows, and frightening video games lately. I’m not a fan; I don’t like being scared because I have a "fight" response, meaning I punch first and ask questions later.
  
  This is not exactly the smartest thing to do and why I am not allowed in Haunted Houses anymore because of an incident involving a volunteer named Gareth who’s only dream was to be a scary clown and terrify little kids. He accidentally jumped out at me and like a hefty NFL linebacker I tackled him (Sorry about that Gareth, I thought you were Winifred).
  
  Flight or Fight can both be good and bad things. I personally think “flee and live another day” is smarter and is probably why most of my bloodline never made it past the Stone Age

  

  The last known image of my ancestor Narg Thogpen whose courage was met with an untimely death by Wooly Mammoth.

• A new Aliens movie is coming out, and while I love Sci Fi, I won’t sleep for weeks thinking about some parasite bursting out from under my moobs. Both Heather and I have sensitive brains meaning scary and disturbing images get stuck in our heads and refuse to leave. In fact I’m still traumatized by seeing the scariest movie ever known to humanity, The Notebook.

  

  This is how Alien: Romulus ends with Mr. Mittens. Sorry about the spoilers.

• I worked as a background painter on Genndy Tartakovsky’s (Dexter’s Laboratory and Samuria Jack) upcoming movie called “Fixed,” Sony’s first R-Rated comedy about unneutered dogs. The plot is a mix of “The Hangover” meets “Air Bud”. Sadly, I found out it got cancelled this week and will never see the light of day.
  
  Why was it cancelled? Well, there’s a scandal about it of course, and I’m now free to talk about it and share what happened.
  
  The movie I worked on was cancelled because of…Winifred👻.

  

  Sad Trombones, I was hoping to get to see my name in the credits.

From the Ministry of Random Phantoms:

• Are you a doomscroller and live in fear of our world going to hell via our firebrand politicians, climate change or having to endure seeing one of those dumbass Cybertrucks on the road? This button will make everything OK.

• On August 14th, 2016 there was the Great Clown Scare that started in Greenville, SC where a child reported seeing clowns trying to lure him in the woods. Clown Sighting reports cropped up immediately and even Stephen King had to get up and tweet, “y’all calm the F down” (paraphrased by me) with all the hysteria and disinformation.
  I’m sure it had nothing to do with the fact that the reboot of the movie “IT” was coming out a year later. Oh, and thoughts and prayers to Gareth as this was going to be his moment to shine but he was too fearful of some linebacker tackling him again.

• This person is going to be a millionaire.

  

Hyperlocal News ATX Version:

Every week I try to give you breaking news in our little neighborhood in Austin.

• Olympic Badass Gabby Thomas, I realized, was our neighbor a few years back (I would see her walking to her car and think “yeah, that person is a runner.” I just didn’t know Olympic Champion runner and now I wished I’d gotten her autograph). Go Gabby!

• Our Cat, Sable is hungry and would like all of you to know that. (Sorry, it’s been a slow news week).

• We have started a “possum cam” for our North American Marsupials that reside in our backyard. Please say hello to Paws Malone!

From the ministry of Gratitude

Hey thanks for reading my newsletter which contains my original art and nonsensical musings of the week. If you found this humorous and think one of your friends might like it, care to share it with them? I’d love to say “I just want to spread happiness throughout the world” but in reality, I’m a slut for attention and crave that dopamine rush you get when someone likes your work.

Oh, and if you hated it well remember, let’s just keep that our little secret!

See you next Wednesday!
Scott