Golden Globe "Influencer" Awards
Welcome to the "Clout Outs!!! Awards"
Welcome to the 2025 Clout Outs Awards, where we celebrate influencers who’ve turned “content creation” into a late-stage corporate run hellscape where individuals will do anything for internet clout performance art. Whether they’re perfecting their duck face under 18 artificial intelligence-enhanced filters, hawk-tuah-ing1 $80 protein powder that tastes like dandruff-grade shampoo (oh don’t act like you haven’t been shampoo curious before, everyone has at one time in their life, right? Right??2 ), or ratio-ing 3 trolls into the Flintstone Age, these are the pioneers of peak cringe.
Without further ado, let’s get to the categories.
All articles are written and illustrated by Thig and edited as possible by his wife Heather.
We make it rain, yo.
Sunfluencers: Most Overproduced Sunset Photo
You’ve seen the photos—sunsets so over-edited they look like they were taken on Mars. And you’ve read the captions: “Don’t let ur son4 the sun go down on me #self-love.” This year’s winner is Danny “Lens Flare” Wiggleton, your 24/7 photographer who never misses a shot. Yes that’s right, nothing is left to just observe in the moment with Wiggleton around. The peak golden hour moment when the sun is waning? He’s there. That moment the sun and the ocean create the magical green flash? There’s Wiggleton. Those leaked shower cam photos of you where you were picking your nose singing that one Bob Marley song you know while secretly being filmed? Well, Danny’s side-hustle makes him a lot of money. 5
Swolfluencers: Best MLM Supplement Hustle
Now sliding into your DMs like a horny drunk ex6 with “…Hey, babe, wanna make millions with my crypto NFT ultimate diet and eBook!? I got abs, look at this picture of me holding this fish I caught in the water over there!…” MrB33stM@ster_Alpha1one takes this keto-cake7. He’s built a career convincing people (like me) that protein shakes and his “detox” Non-Alcoholic Nootropic drink (With Delta 8,9 & 10) can turn your dad bod into rad bod! His preyramid-scheme empire is as sturdy as a house of red playing cards in the wake of Hurricane Patricia11, but hey—he’s got the abs (and the tats), and that’s what counts.
Glamfluencers: Best Makeup Tutorials to Hawk (Tuah) Products
In this glitter-soaked category, the competition was caked on stiff, but Mabel *Massacre* Mascara came out swinging her only fan-brush12. Her eyelids are sponsored by at least six brands, and her tutorials last longer than Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 and 213.14 This year’s highlight?15 A “natural nude look”16 that required 14 steps, a full-blown séance17, and your credit card.
Clapbackpreneurs: Best at Responding to Haters
The internet is a battleground, and Petty “Haterade” Harper is its reigning champion. AOC? Cardi B? The Wendy’s TwX account?18 Amateurs. Forget therapy—The Ms. Haterade Channel19 channels all her unresolved issues into mic-dropping on trolls with the precision of a Miami Plastic-Neurosurgeon. She’s not just mean; she’s feral-cat protectin’ her babies mean20. This ye21ar’s highlight reel includes destroying an NFT bro so thoroughly he deleted his X22 account and donated his millions to the poors 23 and sold his exploding Cybertruck, donating the twelve dollars he got for that piece of shit vehicle to charity.
Productpreneurs: Best in Product Placement
Payton Inflùénza wins this for her uncanny ability to monetize literally… everything24. Her tearful breakup video with MrB33stM@ster_Alpha1one25 featured five sponsored products, and rumors are swirling that she uses branded toilet tissue26. Payton’s not just a sellout—she’s now a Republican27.
And The Moment You’ve Been Waiting For…
And now28, it’s time to vote for the cringiest29 influencer 30of the past year. Will it be Danny with his radioactive iris-burning sunsets, MrB33stM@ster_Alpha1one with orally wheat fed-nutritious scams, Mabel with her glitter-snorting make-up hustle, Petty with her verbal annihilation, or Payton, the Picasso of product placement?31 Cast your votes32 below, and tune in next week when we present the coveted Elon DeGenerates Memorial Award for Outstanding Achievement in Cringe.
The ultimate Clout-Out Winner will be named next week after voting! Tune in for the most exciting thing you’ve ever experienced, which will make all your dreams come true.
BTS (Behind the Scott)
As stated above, I wrote and illustrated this entire article. I am an artist by trade and like to write humorously. I use the Procreate App on the iPad to do most of my art these days. Sure, I have one of those big ol’ drawing tablets but I can use the iPad, in bed and the bed is comfy.
Below are a series of videos recorded in the Procreate App. In the videos you will see me start with scribbly concepts and then slowly work up to a finished piece. I do not consider myself one of the greatest artists of all time, however some advice I was told has kept me in a career since the 90s and I’m passing that advice along here for any of you who are reading it: STORY IS KING.
You can have a not-very-well-executed art piece but if it has a story where people “feel seen”, then I can assure your art will get noticed. So if you’ve made it this far, are a creative and looking to get more engagement to your art, writing, poetry… make them (the viewers) feel something.
Enjoy these uncut and possibly really long videos and I’d love a share if you feel so moved to do so.
Feep Notes (My inner voice(s))
Since this entire article is satire, there are no need for citations (something I believe in strongly, like you should fact check everything I say…in fact, fact check 2-3 times as I maek miss stakes) thus I am going to do inner voices as my Feep (foot - I know but we call them feeps around these parts) notes below.
All the Feep Notes are unedited, and I’ll probably read these later and think “what the hell were you thinking!?” But I thought they were funny at the time so I left them in. Also, and most importantly I am an artist and this is my art project (all of this, the entire Zine), I hope you enjoy.
Haliey Welch, known as the "Hawk Tuah Girl," is a 22-year-old internet personality from Tennessee who gained viral fame in 2024 after a street interview where she humorously used the phrase "hawk tuah," an onomatopoeia for spitting during oral sex and is the wet dream of every MAGA neckbeard-incel cosplaying as confederate soldiers.
Has anyone ever drank a protein shake and went “mmmmm…. gosh I love drinking something between the consistency of coughed up mucus and Elmer’s Glue!”
"ratio-ing" refers to when someone responds to a post, tweet, or comment in a way that generates significantly more likes, retweets, or engagement than the original post. It's essentially a public mic drop that shows the response is more popular or widely agreed upon than the initial statement.
For example:
and this gem:
I love Anna Kendrick
Why yes, I’m fully aware I’m going to hell for that terrible, awful joke. Thanks for asking.
Only Fans . com / NoLatherNoCry
I have witnessed this phenomenon before. The pity you have for that poor, poor soul. As Heather often says in the most altruistic and condescending tone, "bless it.”
1970s everything was “Sugar”
1980s everything was “Fat Free”
2000s everything was “acacia and goji berries”
2010 everything was “antioxidants”
2020 everything was “oopsies, this contains micro plastics that will eat your brain turning you into a zombie that buys shit from Elon”
2025 everything is “Keto diet” friendly. Like I’ve seen entire vats of Kentucky Fried Butter Icing that says “keto-friendly”.
Delta-8 THC products are often produced and sold in unregulated markets. You literally could be ingesting someone’s untested semen that a grifter swirled up in a candy and labeled it “Trips Ahoy.” But let me tell you, the vaccines? They all cause you to have erotic 5g fantasies about Bill Gates’ green M&M lover and we know that’s what clearly causes austism (a fact believed by many people).
Prolonged use of Delta9 will lead to Scromit sharting. For reference, please Bing: Scromit and Shart (and make sure you parental guides are turned onto safety because you know that bitch Danny “Lens Flare” Wiggleton has taken your scromiting selfie and Binged it onto the internet).
Ok ok, I’ll tell you what Scromit Sharting is so you don’t have to Bing it.
Scromit: Screaming and vomiting simultaneously
Sharting: Farting and shitting simultaneously
Regret: As you will be doing all four of these at once like some wretched piss-boy water fountain that really rich people put in their gardens, like what kinda weirdo puts that in their back yard…and some of those fuckers even display them in the front yard! Where is the HOA when you need them!?
That windy bitch was going 215 MPH heading straight for Gulf of USA Mexico! Fortunately the Mexicans built a wall to keep it out and upon that success, they have started a wall to keep Ultra Wealthy Americans from taking over their costal shores.
You know, like a brush that looks like a fan, and she only has one of them. What did you think I was talking about another site that Wiggleton is part of?
“10 Points to RavenClaw for that joke Mr. Thigpen!” (Why are you rolling your eyes???Buzzfeed said The RClaws were the fucking best, and if it’s the best for Buzzfeed then you’re just an old, man!)
We apologize for the previous footnote. There are rumors of Thig and a possible frontal lobe injury.
No seriously, we sometimes worry about Thig, like he’s typing this and using “we”. Motherfucker’s in the goddamned UpSide Down world with Milli Bobbi Brown…which, who names their kid after the husband of the greatest known singer ever known to man, woman or child, Whitney Houston?
Pay no attention to the previous footnote. That was EVIL Scott Thigpen with a goatee that had temporarily taken over the footnotes. We now return back to normal footnotes.
You called?
Wendy’s Social Media Team, I love you. You need to know that.
When attempting to make a Chanel joke I went to the site at 12:36am today and it said this.
The world is coming to an end.
This is my wife, Heather’s joke. It is funny. She is a funny lady. Tell her she’s funny, reader. TELL HER OR UNSUBCRIBE NOW!!!
TELL HER!!!!
hamster
Instead of eating a goddamned banana https://thig.substack.com/i/151930855/pair-of-doilies
This sentence has been brought to you by the L’Oreal Animal Welfare Hotline Bling with our CEO Micheal Vick!
This guy makes Andrew Tate look like the beta male cuck dickless cybertruck-driving-on-the-wrong-side-of-the-goddamn-road-what-is-it-about-you-people-in-the-UK? Oh-Brits-drive-on-the-left-because-historically-people-rode-horses-or-walked-on-the-left-to-keep-their-sword-arm-free-(most-were-right-handed)-to-defend-themselves.-When-cars-came-along-they-kept-the-same-rule.-Other-countries-later-switched-to-the-right-for-practicality-as-larger-vehicles-and-trade-grew-but-Britain-stuck-to-its-tradition. Elaine-if-you-actually-made-it-this-far-are-you-impressed-i-know-my-uk-history? If-Elaine-doesn’t-see-this-can-someone-mention-her-in-the-comments. Oh-and-if-any-of-you-have-made-it-this-far-would-you-kindly-slide-into-my-dms-to-tell-me?
Everyone: _________
Blue bears: I LOVE SHITTING! BUY CHARMIN!
Well, she’ll be a Republican until that becomes uncool and then she’ll be a Virgo or whatever it is when Mars is drinking retro-gatorade with Venus.
Stay tuned for more of “Scott’s astronomy lessons.”
I wonder how many people unsubscribed after I made the Republican joke
Wait don’t leave, I’m not popular enough yet to say: “Ha! I don’t need you anyway, unsubscribe, see if I care!” I need you even if you voted “R”, but I also need you to understand holy shit am I terrified for our country. I know Kamala wouldn’t have been perfect, but damn she had more than a “concept of a plan!”
And RFK Jr is going to be run our Healthcare system. WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK, Y’ALL. This is like giving an arsonist a match to a gender reveal At Insane William’s Firework Emporium. (While I’m an avid supporter of not-gatekeeping or pissing on anyone’s parade… y’all the gender reveal parties? They push my limits of tolerance. )
Always Avoid Alliteration
As of 2024, American Idol has completed 22 fucking seasons. In the first season where Richard Hatch won, over 110 million votes were cast. By the tenth season where who knows who won, the total votes for that season had increased to nearly 750 million.
Wait, now I remember It wasn’t Richard Hatch, it was that Kelley Klarkstone singer who sang Hey Sexy Ladies on her breakout album Opa Gangam Style.
ANYWAY. DOT. DOT. DOT. I’m just asking you to vote once, I’d be lying if I didn’t hope the poll would drive up engagement.
Just when I think you can't get more brilliant as a humorist, you top yourself. (And I mean that in a positive way... get your mind out of the gutter...)
Can we hold you to this: Stay tuned for more of “Scott’s astronomy lessons.” ?