Roll For Virgnity

The 1980s Satanic Panic of Dungeons and Dragons

Please note this tale has had lots of salt and seasoning added to it. Also, a big thank you to Ginny Hogan for her recent workshop and mentoring in comedy.

Wailing of Heavy Metal Guitar ensues

When I was a kid in the 80s, some really cool ¹ guys at school were talking about playing “Dungeons and Dragons”, a game with all kinds of mystical critters in it, like nekkid bat winged ladies that had shapely thighs ². As a dorky kid who loved all things Hobbitses (with a growing affinity for women’s shapely thighs), I was naturally interested in this “game” they were talking about…but mainly the bat winged ladies.

What’s HATERS, precious, FR FR?

I inquired and apparently it was a game where you could choose to be an Elf or a Wizard with 6 pack abs and go through a dungeon blasting bad guys. Cool, I’m in, right up my alley!

I visited Mr. Dewy Decimal at the local public library and found the DnD Monster manual then promptly started immersing myself into the bat winged ladies with a donk that would make Sir Mix-A-Lot say daaaaaaamn “Forgotten Realms”.

The requirements for DnD were as follows:

• Must have pen and paper

• A lot of weird shaped dice

• A liter of Mountain Dew

• Family sized package of Funyuns

• And most importantly, you had to be a virgin

Check! 🧤 On all these, especially the last part. If virginity were an oil, I’d have been a completely sealed bottle of EVOO. ³

Would you believe I was an Eagle Scout, too?

I was so excited to get to play, and I could live out some fantastic story in my head about my 6-pack ab elf wizard named… Carl, who was out to slay the evil of the land with his shredded pectorals.

However, dark forces were brewing to conspire against me. The local news picked up on this new phenomenon: “Kids all over are playing a new game, Dragons and Dungeons !” [Sic]

And that’s when I discovered “cynicism”

Satanic Panic

And then, my worst fear was realized. The local church leaders caught wind of this game, which meant only one thing… something I liked was going to be stamped as “evil and satanic.” And, like clockwork, one Sunday the pastor got up, curled his lip and yelled, “DEVILS! Satan is finding his way to your kids through a game like the oujia board called ‘Dragon Dungeons!’” (Yes, this will quickly suck your kid into the occult, indoctrinating them on things like team-building, cooperation, acceptance of other genders and races, working together and using their imagination.) Yes, “they” who worship Satan are gonna snatch your kids right up and send them to an evil place like, New York City or even worse… California.

Our church was so conservative they believed that if you had sex it would lead to dancing.

As the pastor continued to scream, mothers clutched their pearls and fear filled up our little church. Satan had devised a board game that was surely going to brainwash kids into immoral, satanic practices, with it’s evil game mechanics like “freedom to decide what action you’d like to take” and “receiving the consequence for that action” and you had to “take responsibility for said action”. You know, just like in the real world where, I dunno say you storm the highest government establishment, are prosecuted and jailed for your seditious, traitorous actions attempting to erode democracy only to be pardoned by a man who is hellbent on pouring acid on democracy in America.

When Bubba Bubblins was pardoned for his seditious actions of a serious crime, he was confused and angered that Elmo chose an immigrant over him for an engineering position. Also, Elmo is an immigrant.

Manly Men Of The Cloth

So as quickly as DnD gained popularity, the Southern Baptist Convention ⁴ was shutting that shit down. There’s no way any child of god was going to:

• dress up in costume

• battle evil

• enjoy Funyuns with the other nerds

No sirree, Bob! You were going to go to church- where you:

• dressed up in a a costume

• listened to a guy screaming at you about battling evil

• The closest thing to a Funyun was that non-salted wafer they give you saying “this is the body of god” (followed by Welch’s grape juice that was supposed to represent the blood of god - so playing a board game where you’re a shredded elf-wizard, bad? God it. But eating and drinking a god was…you know, a-ok. Makes perfect sense.)

Terrified, parents formed “Satan Smackdown Committees”, raiding bedrooms for Monster Manuals like they were contraband copies of Playboy (sadly that was confistcated too… which is a bummer because it was the one with Vanna White in it and wow she still looks amazing for being 9,325 years old in 2025!), in hopes to curb these “imaginations” their kids were having. My household was no different.

Some Call Him… Carl

And they were right about one thing. I had a sexual awakening after learning what a “succubus” ⁵ was. While ogling over succubi reading about Elf-Wizards with Six Packs named Carl (Laugh if you must but I didn’t have the internet in the 80s, so there was no tick-tock buzzfeed name generator thingies.), my maternal parental unit (MPU) walked in the privacy of my room and saw the words “Monster Manual” on my library book.

I know what you’re thinking, I wrote this entire essay just so I could draw horned devil women and…well, you’re right

The MPU screamed “Is that one of those...those DUNGEON BOOKS!?” And, before I knew it, the book was snatched outta my hands which meant my visual references for the very shapely succubi were gone. I was grounded for eternity and the only books I was now allowed to read were the red words in the KJV Bible and “Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing” by Judy Blume.

I was in the 8th grade.

Don’t get all uppity with me. I may be a self aware and emotionally intelligent dude who is in his 50s but I’m not dead… nor blind

Chuck, the police.

On Wednesdays our church had what was called “Training Union” ⁶ , where from 7-8pm we had kinda a small meetup , just us youth and the youth minister.

I usually didn’t mind going because there was always unlimited (real sugar) Coca-Cola and “Almost Home” brand cookies; however, when I stepped into the room this time, there stood a giant State Trooper, Officer Chuck, wearing his hat and tinted aviator sunglasses, gun in his holster, jacket on (in August, in Alabama’s sweltering humid heat). You could still smell the tar of the cigarette he’d just extinguished outside the church, where he even missed the ashtray....on purpose, to send a message. This guy wasn’t “If You See Kay-ing” around.

I was watching the show Yellowjackets while drawing this, hence the cool antlers.

All of us kids gulped and sat down. The Officer Chuck grabbed a chair, flipped it around backwards with one hand, and sank into a wide man-spread like he’d practiced all his life for this exact moment. Hat tossed like a Ninja star which, with surgical precision, sliced through the wall, he peeled his sunglasses off slow enough to make Clint Eastwood look like Dorothy in that Post-Wicked movie—his ice-blue stare burned right through us, as if he could see the succulent succubi sucking our sinless souls for sole sweet sinful pleasure.

My English Prof taught “Always Avoid Alliteration” Join me for other tips on how to spell good.

Urges...

He clicked his tongue to the roof of his mouth and muttered, “Demons and Dungeons.” I felt the urge to correct him and childsplain “ackshully…it’s Dungeons and Dragons.” But before I could open my mouth, he pushed the chair to the ground and stood up yelling “Demons and dungeons!!! Nothing but URGES FROM SATAN!” (I gotta admit, I had urges looking at that succubus, but it wasn’t because she was part devil, it was because she was ALL WOMAN).

My studio work never gets to be half naked ladies with swumpy tails, so I created my own opportunity to draw this.

Fun-Dew

For the next 64 1/2 minutes, the cop told us these gruesome horrible stories of how kids all over America were inducted into the bowels of Hell itself by playing DND, being pulled into drinking (Mountain Dew) and taking drugs (Funyuns) and having carnal, lustful, carefree sex with buxom fantasy she-devils (Wait what!? In which chapter in the monster manual was the carnal, lustful, carefree sex with buxom she-devils? My...uh, friend wanted to know, because you know...he was one of those “virgins”).

If this is what is in Hell, then maybe I can visit during the shoulder seasons?

Balder’s Hate

For the next seven days there were nothing but stories and whispers of how America had already fallen into the demon world of Dungeons and Dragons and not even rolling a natural 20 on a die with a +45 modifier could save our country from tumbling towards Communism... I mean, evil succubi were destroying our lands, especially with their evil practices of DEI Hires and spreading Wokeness 🤦 . But like most media hysteria, our short attention spans (even in the 80s), were quickly distracted by a much more horrifying evil that gripped America by its very neck... who shot JR, the oil Tycoon played by Larry Hagman in the long running 80s show, Dallas. ⁷

I’m so thankful for billionaires who are saving us from those evil, woke, satanic people trying to create equality, care for the earth and give a shit about their fellow human and not a goddamned fucking shareholder! Like Holy shit, the biggest 80s hit tv was about Oil and money!

FEEP NOTES

1. Spoiler alert: they were not very cool

2. Spoilert alert: this was the only reason I was interested in DnD

3. You laugh, but it was drilled into my head that having sex was a one way ticket straight to Hell. There’s nothing like scaring the living hell out of a child instead of, oh I dunno, sitting down with them and educating on hormones, biology, condoms, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

4. The Southern Baptist Convention (SBC) in 2022 was busted for covering up sexual abuse by it’s pastors. Because that’s clearly ok but playing a board game? Unacceptable. Oh, you need some citations for this? Well check it out

1. Guidepost Solutions' Independent Investigation Report (May 2022):

   • This comprehensive 288-page report, commissioned by the SBC Executive Committee, provides an in-depth analysis of the SBC's response to sexual abuse allegations over nearly two decades. It highlights systemic issues, including the mishandling of abuse reports and the mistreatment of survivors.

   • Access the full report here: Guidepost Investigation of the Southern Baptist Convention

2. Houston Chronicle and San Antonio Express-News Investigation (February 2019):

   • An extensive investigation revealed that since 1998, approximately 380 Southern Baptist church leaders and volunteers faced allegations of sexual misconduct, affecting over 700 victims. The report underscores the SBC's failure to address and prevent abuse within its congregations.

   • Read the investigative article: 20 years, 700 victims: Southern Baptist sexual abuse spreads as leaders resistreforms

3. Southern Baptist Convention's Sexual Abuse Task Force Resources:

   • In response to the investigations, the SBC established a task force to address sexual abuse within the denomination. This resource provides information on reporting instances of abuse and outlines the SBC's initiatives to support survivors and implement preventive measures.

   • Explore the resources here: Sexual Abuse Task Force Report Resources

5. A succubus is a figure rooted in folklore and mythology, typically described as a demonic or supernatural entity that takes on a female form to seduce men, often through dreams, in order to feed off their energy or vitality. The term originates from the Latin word succubare, meaning "to lie beneath," which reflects the nature of their interactions with their victims.

6. Remember how people scream that the “Woke mob” is indoctrinating their kids with Drag Queens and a minority of a minority of Trans people? Yeah, they definitely have room to talk because that NEVER happens in churches at all… especially not in the SBC (see footnote #4)

7. I really liked the show Dallas growing up because it starred Victoria Principal, the hottest women in the world next to Dixie Carter.