Unnecessary Ruffness

If your chant is “I got that dawg in me”, it could be Parvo.

Humans can’t help but anthropormorphize things. It’s practically in our DNA, see my illustration below that helps sell that narrative.

As you can see from my illustration above, both sexes get animals/objects assigned to them equally.

Cloudy with a Chance of Wieners

Still not convinced? Try this: walk down a busy street, point up at a long, stretched-out cloud, and say, “Hey, look! That cloud looks just like a wiener!” People will look. They can’t help themselves. It’s like their primal instincts kick in. And when they do, you’ll hear one of two reactions:

“Scott!! Snap a pic of that PEENER PUFF and put it on the TIKTACK! We’re going viral!” - My wife, Heather who is obsessed with us going viral (not really).

Or

“OMG, JAYSON! HIDE BRYNLEE-JAY’S EYES FROM THE DEVIL CLOUD BEFORE SHE’S CORRUPTED BY THE CUMULUS OF SATAN!” - That woman who always has an unspoken prayer request on Facebook.

Calculating how many people just unsubscribed from my newsletter for making cumulus jokes.

But personifying things? Oh, that’s been our schtick for centuries. And nobody—nobody—gets the royal personification treatment quite like animals. Exhibit A: the American Bulldog

This is actually my drawing of a French Bulldog, American/English Bulldog’s ears flop down more. But he’s smiling! Look at those cute widdle jowls!

From Bait to Beefcake

These brachycephalic, snorty aliens are the result of centuries of human tinkering. We’ve turned wolves into flat-faced, wheezing cartoon characters with enough health issues to fill a medical journal; hell, a bulldog can’t even have have natural pup birth because the heads of the infants are so big that they have to have a c-section instead.

Prepping for the comments from the fragile bois that want to make every systemic issue about themselves.

Back in ye ole Shakespearean times, bulldogs were bred for the barbaric practice of bull-baiting (hence the term “bull dog”). People would tie up a bull and let bulldogs bite and latch onto its face. And why? Because, apparently, it was believed that this tenderized the meat. That’s right. Let’s exhaust a terrified bull with face-biting dogs because obviously, that’s what’ll make the steak juicier. Sources: here, here, here and here.

I tried to come up with several ways to make this funny, but I got nothing. If you like caged animal fighting, you’re the dingleberry that hangs off the ass of Michael Vick.

BullBait to Bullshit

But hey, times change. We decided bull-baiting was a little too savage, or maybe the politician at the time decided it wasn’t polling well for his numbers. And today? We’ve personified bulldogs into something even more absurd: to be the mascot of the Andrew Tate-Joe Rogan-Tuff Guy-MAGA crowd (which is weird because I’d thought they’d picked a jellyfish since it’s an invertebrate). We draw them beefed up, muscles bulging, veins popping—a bulldog that makes a statement of dominance, power, the revving engine of a jacked up Ford F150 (that was purchased at 39% APR) while blasting DMX’s Ruff Ryders’ Anthem. ARF ARF ARRRF!

This image of a bulldog is the official mascot of “Big-Truck-Tiny-Peener-Hetereo-male-pride Parade”. You can find more at Reddit on r/Chadmiral-Bropriator.

But have the guys who worship these anthropomorphized “alpha” bulldogs actually seen a real American bulldog? They look more like this:

This is Captain Smuffbubbles the III. He is a true American bulldog…who farts. a lot. Whole lotta fartin’

Brachycephalic to Bronouns

I’ve never owned a bulldog, but in a moment of pure hubris, I owned two pugs—a distant brachycephalic cousin to the Bulldog (just smaller and fartier). That decision came with a steep price of constant medical bills, surgeries on their throats so they could breathe better, constant concern for their big bulbous eyes and skincare.

These two snorts, Pete and Beau, crossed the Rainbow Bridge years ago. They were sweethearts but so much medical attention was needed for them.

Anyway, back to bulldogs and the anthropomorphic skewing of them. During one of my many dead-end jobs in life, I held the prestigious title of “poop scooper” at a veterinary clinic. It was a shitty job, but it came with perks— like the day the University of Georgia brought in their famous football mascot, (pronounced UH-GAH), for a quick checkup. You’d think Uga was some “tuff dawg,” right? Nope. Uga was a sweet pile of wrinkles with an underbite. And fun fact: Uga is a she—but naturally, every alpha-bro insists on calling her a “he,” because apparently, America will fall if you acknowledge the dog’s pronouns.

Very fine people.

The Struggles of the Snuggles

Uga has to be iced down during football games. Why? First off, they stick her in an adorable little red sweater, which basically turns her into a tubby mobile oven under the hot Georgia sun. But more importantly, SHE CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE! Centuries of selective breeding have turned bulldogs into adorable, walking respiratory disasters. Dogs will pant and draw in air that is cooled by their snout, but thanks to the brachycephalic dog smashed face, their panting is about as effective as blowing air through a coffee straw.

Don’t get me wrong, I love tubby little dogs with the smushed in faces, but they need so much TLC, so much. So if you get one PLEASE be a responsible owner.

Alpha-Dog Energy Meets… Reality

And now back to the Bro-Dawgs who anthropomorphize bulldogs.

“Poor bulldogs. Ewww…” - Heather, editor in chief and lover of all things fuzzy

Next time you’re stuck behind a bro in a lifted truck, sporting a dozen jingoistic flags and covered in bumper stickers that have a snake saying “Don’t Tread on Me” with a vinyl wrap of an “Ai’d” shredded Trump tying up Kamala, just remember this: the snarling bulldog vinyl on his back window that says “No Fear!”—depicted as this roid raged beast—is more like this:

This is “Penny Prissy Pants” as a female dog, she’s a bitch just like self proclaimed alpha males.

And let’s be real. In regards to musical choices, bulldogs wouldn’t listen to DMX barking on in his songs, I think they would listen to the autotuned sounds of Jason Derulo’s Wiggle kinda canine.

“You know what to do with that big fat butt… wiggle wiggle wiggle”

The Dog Days of Ownership

If you’re thinking about getting a dog, just know—it’ll change your life. I loved my pugs, but man, were they high-maintenance. All those health issues made for some heartbreaking (and expensive) vet visits. Nowadays, I’ve got Tess, a rescue, and she’s been with me for a decade. Best decision I ever made.

My rescue hound, Tess. Best dog ever.

Don’t be like me and get a purebred just because it’s cute. Do your homework. Otherwise, you might end up with a dog that can barely breathe and a vet bill that’ll make your wallet gasp for air.