Federal Union for Childhood Knowledge
FROM THE DESK OF ACTING DIRECTOR K. ERIN GILEAD
Agency for Sanctified Stories (A.S.S.) in proud coalition with the Committee for Righteous Approved Publications (C.R.A.P.)
and the newly chartered Federal Union for Childhood Knowledge (F.U.C.K.)
Dear Patriot Parent (and your biologically-female trad wives),
Story‑Hour has been reborn. Gone are those decadent drag‑queens with their dangerous ideas of universal literacy. In their place, we present Nurse Prosperina “Side‑Hustle Sally” Cash‑Flo, RN‑MLM‑CNP‑LC—part‑time life‑coach, full‑time keto influencer, and recent graduate of the 18‑month Institute for Holistic Revenue Streams. She’ll shepherd your tiny citizens through the only four rhymes still permitted by A.S.S. standards. Please review tomorrow’s program so you may prepare your offspring accordingly.
08:00 – American Prayer of Eternal Allegiance (sponsored by Liberty Coin™)
08:05 – Venmo tithe to Nurse Prosperina (@CashFlo4Christ)
08:10 – Nurse Rhymes reading begins (Sponsored by Mike the Pillow Guy)
09:00 – Snack: Atkins‑approved 59% meat product & room‑temp un‑fluoridated water
09:05 – Mandatory 30‑second ad‑watch for Promise Keeper™ “Purity‑in‑a‑Hurry” audiobook
09:07 – Mandatory Wellness selfie—the algorithm appreciates your compliance
What your adolescent patriot will learn from Nurse Prosperina “Side‑Hustle Sally” Cash‑Flo, RN‑MLM‑CNP‑LC:
Rhyme #1 — Ring Around the Rosie
“Ashes, ashes, we cash‑app out.”
Why gamble on vaccines when RFK JR‑certified crystal sachets and wilted posies boast a 100 % success rate on Facebook Live? Children will practice defensive coughing while memorizing the customer‑service jingle for GoopLabs Floral‑PPE™.
Rhyme #2 — Peter Peter Pumpkin‑Eater
“Kept his wife inside a squash. Lower property tax, zero talk‑back.”
A budget‑minded master class in dominant patriarchy. Chains and seasonal décor available in the lobby, get it instantly with Karna Credit with an introductory offer of 29.99 % APR (goes up to 59.99% after one year, a 200% apr hike for any missed payment and a complimentary setup fee for 59.99).
Rhyme #3 — Humpty Dumpty
“All hail Humpty, king of twelve‑dollar eggs.”
Our ovular sovereign still promises bargain breakfasts on Day One; never mind the sticky orange yolk oozing down Truth Social. Should cracks appear, legal horses and bot men will paste the brand together—at taxpayer expense, of course. Keep up with current events on the only government-approved social media site, X. With your free-style dance instructor, Renata Bliss.
Rhyme #4 — Mary Mary Quite Contrary
“How does your garden stay compliant? (Answer: Fascism, it’s called Fascism)
A cautionary bloom‑and‑doom tale. Mary, that pink‑haired social‑science major, stands in the center while her neighboring flowers pray that the sharp metal guillotine blade spares those who have something called a ”thought.” Moral: conformity blossoms—dissent gets composted.
If at any point your child laughs, kindly report the infraction to the Department of Obligatory Guided Enlightenment (D.O.G.E.) via our one‑click “Snitch & Enrich” portal; eligible informants receive ten FreedomTokens and a complimentary dab of colloidal silver to ward off the Werewokes.
Fine Print: To the countless science‑literate nurses pulling double shifts—this satire is not about you. However If the pink crocs pinch, perhaps reconsider the side hustle.
Stand tall, stay hydrated (but never fluoridated), and remember: A literate child is a slippery slope to independent thought and remember who got cast out of Heaven into Hell for wanting equality? That’s right, the Radical Left. Let’s keep those pages turning in the righteous direction.
Blessings and brand synergy,
K. ERIN GILEAD
Acting Director, A.S.S.
Behind The Scenes
I shelved this piece for a few weeks so the art could earn its keep—check the time‑lapse and brush‑stroke receipts below. While the ink was drying I combed 18th‑ and 19th‑century songbooks to see whether the “secret gore” we whisper about these rhymes holds water. The Short answer: not really (and yeah, I’m as disappointed about that as you are but hey, that’s critical thinking for you).
Ring Around the Rosie – plague theory shows up in the 1950s; however, the rhyme was first printed in 1881.
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary – first appears in 1744; all the Bloody‑Mary torture‑garden talk is two centuries out of sync as Queen Mary I ruled in the 1500s. But let’s pretend it’s about Bloody Mary so my animation makes better narrative sense.
Humpty Dumpty – 1797 riddle about a clumsy little guy (or a boozy brandy‑ale), nothing to do with cannons or kings.
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater – c. 1797 Snoop Dogg would have loved the Scots’ original version of this which was “Peter my Neeper”; Victorians later swap “pumpkin shell” for a chastity cage because, well, Victorians. This Victorian puritanical view also led to the 1990s where Tipper Gore put those “Explicit Content” labels on 2 Live Crew CDs.
So the darkness we love is aftermarket. Kids sang these for rhythm; adults bolted on the body count later.
Receipts
Tracked drawing time: 22 hours 20 minutes
Total strokes made: 28,086
Total time writing this article: Forever, I must have revised this a million times.
Citations
Ring Around the Rosie
Claim: Allegory of the bubonic plague.
Proven origin: Children’s ring‑game; first full print 1881, plague theory first floated in the 1950s.
source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ring_a_Ring_o%27_Roses
Mary, Mary, Quite Contrary
Claim: Describes executions ordered by Queen Mary I (“Bloody Mary”).
Proven origin: Garden riddle published in Tommy Thumb’s Pretty Song Book (1744); no 16th‑century connection documented.
source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary%2C_Mary%2C_Quite_Contrary
Humpty Dumpty
Claim: Refers to a Civil‑War cannon or a fallen king.
Proven origin: Riddle printed in Samuel Arnold’s Juvenile Amusements (1797); “humpty‑dumpty” was slang for a short, clumsy person (and a brandy‑ale drink).
source: https://blogs.loc.gov/folklife/2024/03/humpty-dumpty-metafolklore-riddles-and-yolks/
Peter Peter Pumpkin Eater
Claim: Husband murders wife and hides her in a pumpkin shell.
Proven origin: London print ~ 1797; earlier Scottish variant “Peter my Neeper” (1868) shows it was a “comical” verse about marital control, not homicide.
source: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Peter%2C_Peter%2C_Pumpkin_Eater
Brilliantly written and illustrated. Just the right amount of snark to perk my caffeine starved brain cells this morning. With behind-the-scenes AND historical facts? I feel like when used to get dvds with the director’s cut so I could listen to the commentary track! Thank you!
First printed isn't the same as first recited. Some rhymes have probably been around for centuries in one form or another. Heck, it's been almost a century since I used to recite skipping-rope rhymes like "Tinker, tailor, soldier, sailor", when none of us had any clue what a tinker was.