Pluck it all to hell

That unsightly hair slithering out your nose? If you pull it out, it’ll grow back “thicc ass” a beanstalk, it’s true I heard it on the TikTack or something…

Jack B. Stalk

When I was a little, I was surrounded by the olds (this would be the silent Generation) who seemed to delight in telling me I was going to Hell for… pretty much existing. You get used to it though. But what I couldn’t ever get used to was Aunt Peepaw’s wispy, four-foot-long chin hair. How could she not see this anaconda slithering out of her face??? And let’s not forget her eyebrow hairs, which curled skyward like some thick coarse, violin string of a facial beanstalk.

Why is it that the scariest aunt singles you out at a family reunion to give you a giant slobbery incestuous kiss? THIS has scarred me for life.

This shit terrified me as a kid, wondering if it was going to happen to me when I grew up. Was this my future? Was I going to grow old and not notice a rogue hair wriggling out of my chin—or worse, my forehead? I didn’t evolve from a hairy primate to a slightly less hairy primate just to sprout hair out in every direction like I was auditioning for the Gloved One’s Thriller video as a backup dancer.

For the record, when MJ’s “Thriller” video came out in ‘83, it scared the ever-loving hell outta me and still takes up free rent in my mind.

An Amused “Bush”

I recently went on a fancy date with Heather here in Austin— she’s a woman whose ongoing tolerance for my patriarchal puns and quirks should have her sainted by the Pope. We sat down at the table, me dressed in one of my finest concert graphic t-shirts and Heather looking like a DEMON TO EAT YOUR SOUL IF YOU DON’T WASH THE DISHES, SCOTT! an angel. As we got to our table, the server described the amuse-bouche¹ to start our dining experience; the server then looked at me and said, “Do you ‘nose’ what you want, sir?”. I thought I must have misheard him, Do I “Nose”?! What the hell was this person talking about If I “Nose”?! It was then when I felt something tickle my nasal air-intake area… then panic struck.

This is an actual photo of my wife, this is not an illustration I drew at all.

I quickly excused myself from the table to confirm my fears, and confirmed I did as I saw this hair… dangling from my beak, it looked like a moose bush at the amuse bouche! To not be that unaware old dude “with the possum tail hair hanging out his nostril and end up viral on the TikTack,” I quickly plucked that dangling noodle. This action created a pain equal to eating the large dollop of wasabi the first time you tried sushi, or getting smacked in the nose by a wayward ferret…

Ferrets are so cool, but stay away from those bitch-mittens of theirs!

… or like stepping on a Lego in the dark on the way to bathroom. You fall over in agony knowing that this is the end, you want to be mad at your child for leaving their Legos everywhere but then you remember you don’t own a child, and your wife hates your 80,000 piece Star Wars Lego collection that is sprawled all over the house that you promised her multiple times you’d pick up yestermorrow… but who has time for that when there’s binge watching reruns of TRUE BLOOD!

If you’re a “True Blood” AND “What We Do In The Shadows fan”, then this joke is hilarious. “Fucking guy” ::Nando Emoji::

Anyway, I digress. The point is, as I get older, these random hairs sprouting from my face (and god knows where else I can’t readily see) feel like nature’s cruel reminder: you’re just a slightly a less ape-ish ape that got lucky on the Savanna. Back then, we adapted to the open environment and became bipedal — which is not someone who enjoys sex on a bike both ways.

I know what you’re thinking: “Is she on a Fixed Gear bike or a Cruiser? It’s gotta be a Fixie, right? Why is the front wheel bigger than the back? Is she on some reverse 650B model or something? I bet it’s not carbon steel. I don’t see any disc brakes and why doesn’t she have a helmet on and who the hell bikes in boots like that? Oh and half naked overexaggerated women get lots and lots of extra likes, I bet Thig ain’t stupid.” - Scott Thigpen, Bike Nerd and drawer of half nekkid peeps

There is some important information about the image above, please click the footnote—>²

You Say You Wanna Evolution

Our primate cousins—the chimps, bonobos, and gorillas—decided to stay in the jungle doing jungle things like fighting over territory and killing each other, while us humans evolved by hitting the Savanna…also fighting over territory and killing each other…still seems to be a popular pastime today. ::frustration emoji::

As we progressed as a civilization, we used tools, built societies, and eventually skyrocketed into the future inventing such wonders as… the Vape!³ The Shake Weight⁴, Elmo’s Cybertruck⁵ and Ozempic⁶ so we can lose that fourth chin we we gained from consuming so much banana pudding⁷.

Cybertrucks are the Nickelback of Guy Fieri of the Spirit Airlines of the Ugg Boots of the Truth Social of the Canned Sitcom Laugh Track of the Michael Bay movies of Red Lobster of The Gen Z Mushroom Haircut of Modern Engineering. It’s an embarrassment of a vehicle that a brainless chimp could make with his wiener. Speaking of wieners… come to think of it, you never see apes driving big Ford F-150 trucks.

We share 99% of our DNA with chimps and gorillas but somehow we managed to evolve by our forefathers Ed Hardy and Von Dutch.

Now, before you go get your assault rifle and start yelling “I ain’t come from no monkey! I’m an American!!!” like the most annoying ape in the tribe… Don’t fret, you’re not a Bonobo, a Gorilla or a Chimpanzee because those guys all took different paths and evolved like we did to adapt to a certain environment. Chimps adapted to high social hierarchical structures, while Gorillas adapted to the jungle floor walking on their knuckles…and we adapted to having Personal Injury Lawyer Billboards every fucking 20 feet on the interstate.

Cat-o-graphy

We also share 90% of our DNA with cats which is probably why I had the sudden urge to knock a glass of Frosé off the picnic tray table at Aunt Peepaw’s 8th wedding this year⁸. But I mean just because you share 90% DNA with a cat ⁹ doesn’t mean you’re really a cat (sorry my Therian and Otherkin bros… there’s no scientific evidence to backup your feline claims even if you like to publicly give ‘em the ol’ razzle dazzle. And I get it, man. If you can’t razzle dazzle at a restaurant then how else are you supposed to cleanse your palette after the amuse bouche¹⁰?).

Hair We Go Again

Classic Whitesnake Humor

Back to these unwanted strands from our primate past. As we age, those random hairs seem to get more prevalent. Why? Because god hates the olds. Society does, too. And honestly? Same. I’m old, and I hate the olds. That’s why I go to war with every silvery wisp that dares to grow out of me. No mercy… DEATH BY FIRE YOU UNATTRACTIVE KERATIN FILAMENTS!

Anything that’s bad for you and could cause a painful death, give you instant cancer or dramatically increase your chances of being eaten alive by a dangerous animal? Fuck yeah, us Americans gonna do that and “you’r are a beta-cuck looser” if you try to impede on my freedoms! :::American eagle holding a cigar emoji:::

Rogue hairs sprouting out your skull are indeed weird, but understanding why might help you “save face.”

Actually… it probably won’t, but you can at least take comfort in knowing that it’s normal and you’re not devolving back into a primate while driving an Elmo-truck with 200 MAGA flags hanging off of it, bumping the tunes of Post Malone/Jason Aldean songs.

Oh, and if you’re worried that if you pull a hair out it’s going to grow back bigger, stronger and angrier? Well, let me man-explain to you how this works…

• After plucking, hair often grows back in sync with other nearby hairs, creating the illusion of denser regrowth. In reality, you’re just noticing it more because it’s all appearing at once.

• Gradual hormonal changes that occur with age (not plucking) can make hair appear thicker or darker in certain areas. For example, many people notice thicker eyebrow or random chin hairs as they age…and then some people end up noticing they look like Chewbacca (and wookie here, ain’t nothing wrong with being a Chewie, plus if anyone makes fun of you, you can just rip their arms off ::Wookie guttural sound emoji::).

• Hair in other areas like the top of your head may thin out naturally as you get older, regardless of how much you pluck out those persistent tendril-like ear hairs.

• Other hormonal conditions like pregnancy, menopause (why is it not called “womenopause?” Or like is menopause trying to “pause men” because I get it, us bros still got some evolving to do), or hormonal imbalances can make hair grow in thicker (or thinner).

  So there’s nothing wrong with Aunt Peepaw’s one long whisker coming out from her fifth chin, and plucking won’t make hair grow back thicker. If you’re looking to permanently get rid of unwanted hair, consider getting a wax job, take a light saber and go Skywalkin’ on the fuzzy parts…

… or just accept the badass Wookie fuzzball you were destined to be in life.

Somewhere, in an internet far far away from here, there’s probably some erotic Wookie fan fic going on. Have you seen it? LOL I mean I’m not asking for me LMAO. No, my friend, uh wanted to know ROFLMAO

A Word from Dr. Wife

My wife, Heather is a geriatrician and palliative care physician. She works with your own aging Aunt Peepaw types and gives them a better quality of life during their “Matlock Rerun” years. She’s a damned good at it and super smart. She fact checks my newsletters, is the venture capitalist (VC) and also the editor (but I wrote the razzle dazzle bit after she edited it, so she’s not seen this yet and this may be my last article when she does). And since she’s the VC, she gets to chime in any goddamned time she wants to, so without further adieu (that’s our opening Wordle word, btw) a message from Heather:

My husband’s later life hinges upon if he lets me go out of the house with a rogue whisker when I’m older and visually impaired. “Husband Scott” is to be my follicle protrusion early alert and removal system, and it’s been explained (in our vows) that he must be infallible.

This has been a public service announcement.

The last thing I usually see before I go to sleep, leaving me to worry if I’ll ever awaken.

Citations

1. Cultural Belief: Hair Plucking Myths

The belief that plucking hair causes it to grow back thicker is widely debunked by dermatologists. It’s an illusion caused by regrowth patterns and hormonal changes.

http://www.webmd.com/beauty/ss/slideshow-hair-removal-myths

2. Human Evolution and Hair Patterns

Humans share approximately 99% of their DNA with chimpanzees and bonobos, which explains our evolutionary kinship, including similar hair growth patterns.

http://www.genome.gov/about-genomics/fact-sheets/DNA-similarities-among-species

3. Hormonal Causes of Hair Growth Changes

Hormonal fluctuations (e.g., menopause, pregnancy) significantly affect hair thickness and growth patterns.

http://www.mayoclinic.org/menopause-hormonal-changes-hair-growth

4. The Biology of Rogue Hairs

Age-related changes in hair growth are caused by the redistribution of hormones like androgens, which can lead to thicker facial hairs.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3016928

5. The Pain of Plucking Nose Hairs

Plucking nose hairs can be particularly painful because the nasal lining is highly sensitive. It can also lead to follicle inflammation.

http://www.aad.org/nasal-hair-plucking-risks

6. Human Adaptation to the Savanna

Early human evolution on the savanna resulted in bipedalism and other unique traits, including sparse body hair compared to primates.

http://www.britannica.com/topic/savanna-and-human-evolution

7. The Evolution of Tools and Societies

Tool use and societal development are hallmark traits of human evolution, differentiating us from other primates.

http://www.sciencedirect.com/human-tool-use-evolution

8. Why Humans Retain Some Hair

Despite evolutionary adaptations, humans retain body hair for thermoregulation and sensory input.

http://www.nature.com/hair-evolution-function

9. Human and Cat DNA Similarities

Humans share approximately 90% of their DNA with domestic cats, underlying our shared evolutionary ancestry.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/cat-genome-dna-similarity

10. Aging and Hair Thinning

Hair thinning on the scalp with age is attributed to reduced follicle size and androgenetic alopecia.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC4174066

11. The Shake Weight as a Pop-Culture Symbol

The Shake Weight, a satirical symbol of modern inventions, exemplifies humorous cultural trends.

http://www.history.com/shake-weight-origins

12. Hair Removal Technologies

Laser hair removal is a long-term solution to reducing hair regrowth by targeting hair follicles.

http://www.webmd.com/beauty/laser-hair-removal

13. The Relationship Between Legos and Pain

The acute pain caused by stepping on Legos is due to their hard plastic edges concentrating pressure on a small area.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/lego-pain-analysis

14. The Origins of Bipedalism

Bipedal locomotion evolved as a response to environmental changes, offering advantages in open savanna landscapes.

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/evolution-of-bipedalism

15. Hair Follicle Regrowth Synchronization

Plucking disrupts the hair cycle, leading to synchronized regrowth, which can appear denser.

http://www.jaad.org/hair-plucking-and-regrowth-cycle

16. Chewbacca and Pop-Culture Hair Stereotypes

The character Chewbacca has become a humorous benchmark for excessive body hair.

http://www.starwars.com/chewbacca-history

17. Plucking and Follicle Damage Risks

Repeated plucking can cause damage to hair follicles, leading to scarring or permanent hair loss.

http://www.healthline.com/plucking-follicle-effects

18. Societal Views on Aging and Appearance

Aging is stigmatized in many cultures, leading to increased focus on grooming and aesthetic maintenance.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/aging-societal-stigma

19. Hair Growth Cycles Explained

Hair grows in cycles: anagen (growth), catagen (transition), and telogen (resting). Plucking resets the cycle for the affected hair.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/hair-growth-cycles

20. The Importance of Intermezzo in Dining

Intermezzo, a palate-cleansing course, is common in fine dining experiences.

http://www.tastingtable.com/intermezzo-course-history

21. Impact of Hormones on Chin Hair Growth

Elevated androgen levels during aging can cause thicker hair growth on the chin or face.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/androgens-and-hair-growth

22. Cat Behavior Mimicked by Humans

Humans occasionally exhibit cat-like behaviors due to shared instincts, such as the impulse to knock objects off surfaces.

http://www.nationalgeographic.com/cat-behavior-research

23. The Cybertruck’s Role in Cultural Evolution

The Cybertruck represents a blend of human innovation and satire on modern technological aesthetics.

http://www.tesla.com/cybertruck-design-intentions

24. Aging and Society’s Cruelty

Older adults face increasing societal disdain, often tied to appearance and perceived obsolescence.

http://www.bmj.com/aging-and-societal-attitudes

25. Risks of Plucking Facial Hairs Improperly

Improper plucking can lead to ingrown hairs and infection.

http://www.webmd.com/ingrown-hair-prevention

26. The Role of Humor in Grooming Discussions

Humor is often used to destigmatize discussions of personal grooming and aging.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/humor-grooming-stigma

27. Bonobo Social Behavior Compared to Humans

Bonobos use social bonding rather than aggression, contrasting with human territorial disputes.

http://www.scientificamerican.com/bonobo-social-behavior

28. Wookie Culture in Star Wars Lore

Wookie species in Star Wars symbolize strength and loyalty, despite their hairy appearance.

http://www.starwars.com/databank/wookie-culture

29. Laser Technology for Hair Removal

Advances in laser technology offer semi-permanent solutions for hair reduction by targeting melanin in follicles.

http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/laser-hair-removal

30. The Science of Keratin in Hair

Hair is primarily composed of keratin, a fibrous protein, which grows from follicles in the dermis.

http://www.sciencedirect.com/science-of-keratin-hair

1. An amuse-bouche (pronounced ah-mooz boosh) is a small, single-bite appetizer or hors d'oeuvre served before a meal. The term translates from French as "mouth amuser". Which is what my wife calls me when I turn on the smolder and give her a big slobbery one on the side of the cheek… much like Aunt PeePaw does. I know… I have issues

2. I pull tons of references when I do my art, sometimes I lean into another artist’s design so much so that I need to credit them. For this reference I looked at Genevieve FT’s work and am crediting them here. Please credit your sources if you lean into their work too much, we already have Ai destroying us artists as is.

Genevieve’s Tumblr Site

3. Please don’t vape

4. Please don’t buy one of these

5. Please, god, why… why would you buy this Lego knock-off from a Temu online store truck!?

6. PLEASE LISTEN TO YOUR HEALTH CARE PROFRESH ABOUT THIS DRUG!!!!!! And that doesn’t mean listening to a TikTack Momprenuer telling you about her magic diet pill crystals with Lion’s Mane (hot new buzzword)!

7. DO eat banana pudding, holy shit that kind with the graham cracker crust all mixed in and it’s not yet completely congealed by the nanners like that is slap Aunt Peepaw’s denture clean out her mouth, good

8. Aunt Peepaw catches a lot of shit in my articles, eh? If this ever gets to be a thing, I’ll share the backstory about how I arrived to an “Aunt Peepaw” type character. (Not exactly what you think)

9. Moo Deng vs My Cat, Sable: which should you buy

Hey you like cats, right? You should read my article about our fat-ass cat compared to Moo Deng.

10. This is my all time favorite word in French. Heather told it to me earlier on when we were dating and I’d never heard of it, I thought it was hee-larious.